I gave up so many things because of ana including happiness. I lost so many friends, I had to give up wonderful opportunities, I missed so much school. And what do I have to show for it... nothing. I reached an "acceptable weight" after many hospital treatments but then, these past two years have been filled with depression and binging. I am fat now and no, that's not just the ED talking. At least when I was at my lowest, I had SOME confidence. I feel worthless now. I actually have to shut my eyes when I pass a full length mirror or window. I want to regain some sort of control. I wish I had the power to do so in a healthy manner. I'm not "pro-ana/mia" or whatever you want to call it. Eating disorders ruin lives. Unfortunately, I feel like I've already ruined my own.
This is not my main blog and I do have a progress blog but I'm also not comfortable sharing that yet.
ED Directory
I'd love to talk to someone going through similar problems. But I'm also here for anyone <3
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My hair is falling out worst than the last time. I don’t even know what to do. I haven’t been able to sleep. I’m constantly worried. This is worse than being fat and I thought nothing was. I knew this was going to happen. I did this to myself. I’m going to be bald AND fat again. I’d rather just be fat. Omg just typing those words makes me want to scream. I’m going to try and eat like a normal human being (if I still remember how to) but I know my hair’s just going to keep falling out. I feel like I can’t breath. I’m just so stupid.
the scary part is that I did just by eating what a “normal” person would eat. This is why I can’t go back to eating normally.. ever. But now, just because my blood pressure was a little low my mom is trying to make me see the ED doctors again. I refuse. An 18 year old can’t be forced to go to a doctor, right? I’m under such a close watch now from my mom because of my “past.” I’m so unhappy. My thoughts have not been this consistently negative/dangerously negative since the summer when I was at my high/extremely fat weight. Now that I’m home again and under a microscope I’ll probably be at my high weight again my March. :’( I just want to be happy. The closest I’ve been to happy was this past month when I was finally KIND OF happy with my weight.
I just can’t do this.
