I gave up so many things because of ana including happiness. I lost so many friends, I had to give up wonderful opportunities, I missed so much school. And what do I have to show for it... nothing. I reached an "acceptable weight" after many hospital treatments but then, these past two years have been filled with depression and binging. I am fat now and no, that's not just the ED talking. At least when I was at my lowest, I had SOME confidence. I feel worthless now. I actually have to shut my eyes when I pass a full length mirror or window. I want to regain some sort of control. I wish I had the power to do so in a healthy manner. I'm not "pro-ana/mia" or whatever you want to call it. Eating disorders ruin lives. Unfortunately, I feel like I've already ruined my own.
This is not my main blog and I do have a progress blog but I'm also not comfortable sharing that yet.
ED Directory
I'd love to talk to someone going through similar problems. But I'm also here for anyone <3
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I’ve been home in constant fear of my parents weighing me but I’m even more fearful of gaining again. When I was away at school I was in complete control of what I ate. Now I’m not even going back and I feel as though I’ve lost all control again. I let every aspect of my life be affected by whether or not I’ve had anything to eat that day. My mind’s not right… I can’t think about anything but food and fat.
Also, it’s not fair… the scale is useless. My sister weighs about the same as me but she is thinner. I have a completely messed up body shape. I don’t even have muscle anymore like I used to… just fat. As I’m sitting here typing this my the sights of my thighs makes me want to cry. Ugh I sound so dramatic. Ew. I haven’t even been able to face the pictures of gorgeous, skinny girls on my dashboard recently. I’m such a joke reblogging pictures of girls who I will never be able to look like thanks to my parents constantly monitoring what I eat.
Okay, I’m sorry. Vent over.
