I gave up so many things because of ana including happiness. I lost so many friends, I had to give up wonderful opportunities, I missed so much school. And what do I have to show for it... nothing. I reached an "acceptable weight" after many hospital treatments but then, these past two years have been filled with depression and binging. I am fat now and no, that's not just the ED talking. At least when I was at my lowest, I had SOME confidence. I feel worthless now. I actually have to shut my eyes when I pass a full length mirror or window. I want to regain some sort of control. I wish I had the power to do so in a healthy manner. I'm not "pro-ana/mia" or whatever you want to call it. Eating disorders ruin lives. Unfortunately, I feel like I've already ruined my own.
This is not my main blog and I do have a progress blog but I'm also not comfortable sharing that yet.
ED Directory
I'd love to talk to someone going through similar problems. But I'm also here for anyone <3
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the scary part is that I did just by eating what a “normal” person would eat. This is why I can’t go back to eating normally.. ever. But now, just because my blood pressure was a little low my mom is trying to make me see the ED doctors again. I refuse. An 18 year old can’t be forced to go to a doctor, right? I’m under such a close watch now from my mom because of my “past.” I’m so unhappy. My thoughts have not been this consistently negative/dangerously negative since the summer when I was at my high/extremely fat weight. Now that I’m home again and under a microscope I’ll probably be at my high weight again my March. :’( I just want to be happy. The closest I’ve been to happy was this past month when I was finally KIND OF happy with my weight.
I just can’t do this.
